First Chapter of my Memoirs

They say it's best to start at the beginning. I beg to differ. Like many others I tend to look at the end of a story before I make the commitment to read it. My story is most suited to start off at the culmination of what my life created. It, my life, created, manifested, developed, unleashed what I like to think is a very well rounded and substantially interesting world. A destiny beyond any other. A portrait of what it means to be a starving artist. A monster who longed for what could inevitably be impossible but still felt an arm length away.

This seemingly happy college Senior who possessed every delusion of grandeur still had a grip on reality but failed to bring reality into any aspect of his life. His drive and determination led him to be a loner with many friends, a schizophrenic who led a secret but realistic life, and...

It's all too much to illustrate without making myself look like a looney tune. Although you may often notice that he sometimes likes to refer to himself in third person. I try not to, believe me he does, but I feel my other side better understands me. More than he ever would alone. I used to think life, my life, was right on track. Everything was in place to make every and all people who ever doubted me, put me down, hurt me, lied to me, cheated on me, defeated me, punished me, resented me regret the day they engraved their name on my cornerstone of revenge and payback. I simply knew that what I wanted more than anything in life was to make a name for myself. No longer to remain an open target for ridicule and disappointment. I wanted, no, needed to be seen as a positive source in the World.

Right now our society is filled with reflections of lies and corruption. There's a pointless war going on and many people fail to see the destruction our current government is doing on us as US citizens and other innocent people who unfortunately are in a country that doesn't care about them. Weather patterns are becoming more and more bizarre everyday but that doesn't make more people stop and think about the turmoil they're bringing onto our planet. I now know what Mr. Gore is complaining about and trying to help others understand. Al and Tipper for weather and mental health awareness. I love it. More people should become involved in local and worldly affairs but they choose not to. Most are absorbed in self awareness, only caring for themselves and the gain they can bring upon themselves. Rims, bling, Tims, and sting. It's sad when meaningless things that can't go with you after you leave this place start to envelope your life. It happened to me at one point. Before I realized those things were not the meaning of life.

Travis needs a cause to gun for. He has so many opinions about many different things: gay rights, the homeless, why black people are continuing to bring each other down, how come reality tv shows about the rich and fabulous are so popular when the majority of the population are just average people, and whether there really is a cure for HIV/AIDS and cancer but the government sees dollar signs when it comes to medication and treatment of these deadly illnesses. I can go on all day about the things thought about on a daily basis. I even have interviews in my restroom. Sitting on my commode I pretend I'm on Oprah or other talk shows and I pour my heart out. It's a great release but who in the end heard any of my inner most thoughts but me, excuse me, God and me. He's always a good source to go to, however, I'm still not making much of an impact on the world.

This is going to be a drastic change in topic but I eat pretty much the same thing all the time. I like to try and be adventurous in life but never when it comes to what I consume. Well I can't say never because there have been a couple of instances I gave into what I thought was a fear. Chicken is my staple, followed by pretty much any kind of vegetable and then little odds and ends such as pasta, french fries, Chinese, Mexican, but only tacos, spanish rice, chips, and salsa, and lots of candy. Definitely anything, well, almost anything my grandmothers would make. I'm telling you this because although I don't eat a vast variety of foods I do eat a lot of what I like. I haven't been eating much lately though. Another element my life has dealt me, not having the ability to partake in food as I would like. When I do have the ability to purchase food for myself I have to make it stretch nowadays. I will feed off of a pasta dish for about five days before my paranoia sets in and I start to believe the dish has gone bad. I then throw it away along with a little piece of myself. He goes hungry sometimes to preserve food for a little longer. Just until he knows of his next opportunity to get groceries. When that day comes he usually will try to prepare a little feast for his friends just so they will never suspect he sometimes goes without food. At the most there is one meal a day with snacks and such to hold me over. It's never enough especially with an appetite like mine. My stomach has begun being a nuisance lately. I can never get through a day without some kind of gurgling action going on. Makes it hard to sit through a class comfortably, afraid for someone to hear my hunger. There's not much I can do about it now. Not much he can do at all.

"You're going to be such a big star."

"Travis, you are a superstar."

"You are fabulous."

"I can see you doing that. Definitely." I hear it all the time from many different people. Some I have never even had the priviledge of meeting in person now in these days of Myspace, Facebook, and other online media. They have only heard stories of me or seen pictures that have been taken. It's always the same thing.

"You're going to go far in life."

"I have told people that of all the people I know I feel you are going to make it big." It is all great to hear. Take it in, think about it, dream about it. It's who it comes from that really matters though. Friends, real and Myspaced, acquaintances, professors, advisers, they can say it all day, everyday. Sometimes it takes a source even closer to you for you to truly believe it. A father, a mother, your sister, a brother. Maybe an uncle or an aunt. Grandparents too. Someone who was there and has known you since the moment you made your debut in this world. From those sources it touches you the most. Haven't heard anything like that from them in awhile. They give me some encouraging words every now and then but then they are quickly followed by how disappointing I have begun. They are kind of slowly turning their backs on me which in turn is causing me to turn my back on them. They lost all hope and fail to realize what I am truly trying to accomplish. It will eventually lead you to lose sight of all your own hopes and dreams and leave you feeling like you have no one close to you believing in your ability. Then you start to think it's partly, and possibly, mainly your fault.

So who does he turn to? His friends who are going through their own set of circumstances? His set of acquaintances who are only ever around when it is convenient for them and to help feel better about themselves? Or his imaginary life that he leads only in his mind and private company complete with a new family, career, financial stability, and all the notariety he could ever dream of?

I'm broke, alone for the most part, depressed, unfocused, set in my ways while hating the predictable, but most importantly I'm scared for my life. I can't let myself down though. Just won't allow for it to happen.

Because in letting himself down would be letting down the World.